This was one of my favorite posts from my old blog, and since I am porting the old site to this new space, here you are, an old missive from when I had more time to sit and write.
Zombies don’t lift, they most certainly don’t lift heavy, and they absolutely do not sprint,
a viral or fungal outbreak may cause people to be so primally gobsmaked that they are willing to chase you down and chew on you, tearing you limb from limb ala 28 Days Later,
Zeds shuffle, crawl, climb, and live on a high protein, high fat diet, and in Florida, on bath salts
Zeds eat human flesh and brains
mmmmmm, tasty tasty brains…….
The human brain is somewhere around 70% fat
Flesh is well, a lot of protein on some, a lot of protein and fat on others, and on still others, an assload of fat….
Zeds aren’t Paleo, or Keto, or Ornish, or Zone, or South Beach
they are Zeds
Zeds are like the Honey Badger,
they don’t give a shit
(I found this pic, and loved it, go there, buy that shirt, buy me one too)
but they don’t lift,
they don’t train for being a Zed
they had the misfortune of being dusted with some radioactive or Bio-Weapon Govt. funk, or got bitten, or struck by solar flares, or alien space rays, or whatever, and now your dear Uncle Chet wants to make you his cheat meal,
Zeds are making the best with the cards they were dealt
(pic found here)
and here we come to the crux of my missive
everyone is all
“Face shoot that flesh eating man-monkey and roll tide on the Zed apocalypse!!”
there my friend
is where you have spent too many evenings watching movies
A.you will run out of ammo before you run out of Zeds
B.there are a lot more people in any given metro area than the number of cartridges for whatever caliber firearm you decide to face the Zed hordes with
that is just math
that firearm is going to get really heavy really fast
it is going to get dirty and jam, misfire, fail to feed, stove pipe or run out of ammunition
shooting on the run is a trick
being accurate on the run is even more a trick
being able to place fire down range on the Zeds, while maintaining 360 degree situational awareness and not running smack into another crowd of Zeds while simultaneously navigating the wreckage and mayhem that a Zed outbreak would wreak on any urban or rural setting ?
if you were in that Zed movie, do you really think you would be the star?
or would you be like the third to last to die eaten by Zed biker twins?
You need to be in at least “good” physical condition, if not a lean, power house of Zombie Fighting muscle and sinew
These are the Physical requirements
You also need some mental and skill requirements met
Familiarity with your surroundings and terrain and the ability to navigate them
The ability to manipulate a weapon or firearm is nice, however may not be the highest priority
The ability to find, purify and store/transport water
The ability to find, prepare, store and transport food
its seems being a good Zed hunter would employ much the same skills and abilities that being a good human would….
this all being said
I am going to give you some advice in the that will help with some of the above requirements
First Don’t Be a Zed Snack Tip:
Get rid of your gut
Seriously, make yourself lighter and leaner and you will be able to do all of the things that will help you get away from, avoid, and otherwise not wind up a Zed snack easier.
If you have a lean, muscular body, your abilities to run, jump, climb, push, pull, squat, lunge, hinge, twist, crawl and throw will all be enhanced.
To that end
Strong people can build barricades, drag carcasses of whatever game animal they took down, whatever food you foraged, haul water, carry your partners and loved ones to safety, and show off rippling sweaty muscles while they battle the Zeds
Strong people also tend to be healthier, so you will immediately get kicked up on the scale of who gets to repopulate after the Zeds are all sorted out and not have to be a drain on the medical resources of your group
Strong people also are viewed as being more attractive, and more attractive people get paid better, get better parking spots, they get the dates, and are picked last as the ones to die in Zombie apocalypse movies, get strong
How do I get strong? you ask,
Lift heavy things
do so in as many ranges of motion and body positions as possible
If one of your goals happens to be fat-loss, then lift fast
Arguably, being strong for long periods of time (strength endurance) is an even more valuable skill,
who gives a shit if you can lift a car, once
we need Zed fighters that can repeat the tasks required of them on the front lines against the flesh eating hordes,
we need people who can hack and slash with a machete for hours on end, swing crowbars and sledgehammers crushing Zed skulls until all the Zeds are dead-er
we need people that can be strong all day and all night,
not shoot their wad and pass out from the effort (incidentally, strong, healthy people have better sex drives)
sleepy people make tasty Zed snacks, and weak people are easy fodder as well
get fucking stronger
If you don’t know how or what to lift, email me and I will help you out by sending you a quick and dirty guide to body weight training and an easy eating plan that will get you fit fast, drop some fat, and make your life better. You will be helping me by testing out my own system of developing a rockstar body on a budget.
if you have 0 gear or facilities available ( who is going to keep paying for their membership to Mega-lo Fitness when the Zed apocalypse comes, seriously)
then bodyweight is going to be your gig
seriously, run forward, backward, side to side, serpentine, over even and uneven terrain, up hills, down hills,
Zeds can’t run, so if you can,
you only have to outrun them and your out of shape “friend” that you shot in the leg with a small caliber handgun
You’ll tell their story later, and it will be epic, make them look like a total action hero who took on the Zeds with style, a cigar, a headband, and yelling things like “get some” and “c’mon you fuckers is that all you got?”
Besides, nothing imposes the kind of loads that sprinting does, full body, dynamic loads, stretch and contraction, from the ground up, transferring incredible amounts of power and energy through the whole frame
and as my mate Frankie Faires pointed out, it moves the viscera in a way that few other things do
Sprinting also lends itself to having the kind of rock star body composition that will make you one of the better choices for mating material when it comes time to repopulate the planet, you know, after the Zeds are dead-er.
Learn the layout of your city/neighborhood/county/state
Know at least 3 ways to get to and from your usual destinations, practice taking random turns and navigating back to your destination ( I personally like the 3×5 method for this, 3 turns, 5 minutes travel, navigate from that new starting point)
Practice commentary driving/walking
if you don’t know what this is, ping me, Ill clue you in
get some familiarity with firearms, impact weapons, and edged weapons (seriously, a crowbar and a machete never need gas or reloading)
even if you feel that interpersonal human conflict is icky and it makes you feel not warm-fuzzy,
it doesn’t sparkle for you, I get it,
Zed’s don’t care about your feelings,
and frankly neither do asocial criminals that will count on you being anti violence and not willing to fight for anything, much less your personal safety or that of others, so,
Zeds and bad guys that want your resources or your physical person for whatever nefarious deeds they are inclined to carry out
(ever see the movie hostel? yeah, that, not the beginning of the movie, more the end, on a side note, if you are in a foreign country known for human rights violations and human trafficking, and some super hot girl at a bar wants to have an orgy with you, maybe you should consider not doing that, just putting that out there, also, Hostel was one of the worst movies I have ever seen, torture porn is sick shit, if you thought that movie was awesome, you should seek professional help and stay far away from me)
Learn how to read people, how to recognize the signs that bad things are about to happen and boogie using some of the navigation skills you were rocking
naked guy with bath salt foam around mouth?
likely a zed
see someone noshing on his roomies brains over an espresso?
likely a zed
someone walking down the street happily gnawing on a severed hand?
odds are super high, likely a Zed
there are tons of other clues, fist pumping, hands disappearing, blading of the body, pairs splitting to cut off your avenues of escape, presence of a weapon, verbal clues like “I want to eat your brains”
like I said, ping me, we can set up a session and I can give you a down and dirty on spotting the warning signs and give you some resources to investigate that will give you very valuable tools
you have some simple tips on how to not be a Zed snack